Today is the day that I admit I am an alcoholic. It is time for me to give in and stop lying to myself. I have had a completely toxic relationship with alcohol for my entire life. I have destroyed so many good things in my life. Now it is time to stop. It is time to give in to the fact that there is an overall higher power out there that is hurling us through space and admit my spirituality. I have been lying to myself for too long about it. I deserve better. All of the people around me deserve better. All of the negativity has been self produced and is due to the fact that I am sick, and I need help. I am going to get that help. It has been far too long coming, I would like to put an earnest apology to all the people out there, that I have harmed along the way.
I am going to publicly admit this, because, I have finally admitted it to my self, and as I can hold my self accountable I need those around me to do it also. I want you all to know I am going to put my best effort into getting better.
There is a simplicity, an understanding if you will, that initial bold statements of fact ring true in a way that cannot be replicated from the future. There is a position of movement, a force of nature, that pushed an ideal to the forefront. That raw emotion lead to an internal discussion, forcing a decision to be made. I do not think there is a way for me to 'edit' my emotions. Even if it was possible, I feel that it would be a waste of time.
Lot of emotions today, feeling a huge weight off my shoulders. As though I can finally start to see clearly. Though, with those new eyes have come an added revelation for all the bad I have done in the past.
I recall, the feeling of elation came quickly. To the front of my mind. An Idea, more than just simply an emotion. Ideals can drive emotions, bearing fruit. That fruit can be identified, through some introspection, while honestly looking at what is happening in life. Good or bad. Pointing the finger is never a solid move, unless it is at self.
There is nothing I can do to fix it, though wanting to try as I might, all I can do is be the caretaker of my today. Realizing I was powerless to the monster in my head was a big deal for me, I sobbed and cried. I gave in to the fact that I am sick and need the universe to help me. Along with the counsel of others. To wipe away all the self loathing, the internal lying, the cycle that kept repeating inside me, making me hate myself even more. I was so insecure I could never see the love that was pointed in my direction in no less than 5 different relationships. Gut wrenching. I have wasted the love of five women for sure, that makes me sick. To be insecure while a woman stands before you bearing her heart, disgusting. To be so afraid to love yourself, that you would become jealous at every turn. There is where the monster lives. Accumulated to the last and final one, where the monster beat unconditional love. Well, the monster was fed.
The position that I had was flawed. That flaw was based, looking to the outside to see what my value was. What the system of evaluation showed me what I was worth. Often I would look to my economical stance to see what I was worth. What others thought of me was the focus of my opinion. Though, it wasn't even the opinion of others I was listening to. I was trapped in cyclical thought forcing my vision of self into the gutter. From a blinded stance, I turned away from others showing me what I was truly worth. The value I have to being able to affect the world around me in a positive way.
A change had to be made, for the past has to remain where it is. Changing the past is impossible. Changing the future is possible, though it takes time working in the present to grasp a possible future worth doing. I had to change today, to be alive for the future that I wished to be a part of. That ideal was somewhere in my mind, trapped far away by systematically working against becoming a better human.
Today is the day that instead of thinking a strong man is one that is stern, or brash, or intimidating is strong, one that does not take shit from anyone. A strong man does not acknowledge shit, unless it is for the benefit of others. Instead it is one that is full of love and compassion. One that would meet anything with love and compassion in his heart. All there is in this world is the ability to take on all that comes for you with love. The monster in my head wants to be fed, well, feed it I will, with all the love in my heart. Feed it so my love can grow, and someday learn to love myself.
Putting into life can bear result. There is a fact resounding in life that shows, though, the Puritanical ideal of working simply to work had affected the stance I took on life. Working, for simply the fact of doing, put me in a position. A position that lead me down a path, that harmed others around me. Self loathing, pain, overwrought with no direction. That rudderless feeling, kept me in a pattern that felt comfortable. That false feeling of comfort grew within itself, replicating over and over.
I know for a long time that people thought it was endearing in me that I was unable to accept any sort of compliment with any kind of grace. I know now, that this was part of my sickness. The sickness would not allow me to accept compliments, as that would be a sign that I did a good job, or a good thing. That is contrary to what It wanted me to think. I know that I haven't put 100% into everything I have done in my life, there is no delusion about that. But, the main thing was to tell myself that I did not do a good job, even when I did. Or, if I had done something good, that it was not good enough. In that, it would drive me back to escape and self loathing. I know from now on I can come from a place of love, and give it my honest effort. if someone is willing to tell me that i did a great job, I am going to accept that they think it is just that.
Dealing with my first trigger.
Last night I dealt with the first trigger I have ever been self aware enough to know it was happening. I will not say exactly what it was, but, I will say it was obvious. Recognition of that was a big deal for me. I have never known that I had them, and it was honestly a scary moment. Acknowledging that is was happening, and working through it. Well, that was, I think, the first time that has ever really happened for me.
My emotions today have been a little out there for me. Normally for me I would have been hung over by this point, and been able to avoid really having any emotions at all. A lot of the emotions I had today were sad, loss and regret. Though sad, I feel like I am finally on the right path to recognition and working through them. I know I am a very loving person deep down inside there, and I can tell over this long path, I will come out the other end that person I know I can be. <Serenity>
Feeling a bit stronger, and a bit weaker at the same time so far today. Stronger in the sense that I feel like I am at the beginning of building a base of love, compassion and tolerance in my life. It was a rough day with a lot of swings in the atmosphere of work. I got really frustrated at one point, and stopped to slow my mind and let go to the power of the great universe before me. Remembering that I need to take care of my side of the road. I cannot change the actions of others, only mine. The weakness I speak of came last night when I was attempting to deal with the loss of my partner. I was in a bit of a dark place for a while, and had to bring myself back to the light. Remembering to let go, that it was the monster that made me make those choices has been rough to say the lest. All I can do is take care of my side of the road. All I can do is improve upon myself.
I have been, and will continue to spend a lot of time on introspectively looking back on past regressions. Identifying them, and letting them go. Letting go has not been easy. Realizing the sick brain made me rationalize my actions as right, when I was being selfish to maintain my addiction. The process of how I can honestly love myself, in order to love someone else to the fullest of my ability. Adding another brick of love to the foundation of my life.
Accepting others love.
The realization that I honestly have not been able to accept anothers love was terrifying. I just about puked when I began to understand where I stood in the past. I knew they loved me. I knew they wanted to care for me, help me to get better, to be a better man. Somewhere, the monster took over and turned it around on me. Made it into something that was not important, even though there is nothing more important. As if it was something that just was. It had removed all of the luster, the light, left it as a lump of coal. Only to feed the self loathing and hate. The universe is energy, ever expanding, our love makes it this way. I will give in to the love of the universe, to never end in the darkness again.
The cycle of pain. I thought I had control. I assumed because I had all the "important" things in my life in order, that I had control over my addiction. I would go to work, come hone to do some chores, work on personal projects, then when it was late enough, I would begin to drink. Finding every excuse why I was drinking. "I do my job" "I did my chores" Etc... Always an out and a high ground to stand on when things are "finished" From that vantage point I could look down on loved ones and feel them they were wrong. I could stand Pius, to look down on high, while I drank my life away. Creating a cycle that would harm others, along with myself. Waking in the morning to only still be angry from the standpoint that I was right the night before. I know now there was something that I did not finish everyday, loving myself, in order to have compassion for others. I never asked for help, I only demanded that others do as I do.
Cycle of pain Pt. 2
The pain would continue. Control. Or, better yet, the lack thereof. i would take a day off from time to time, to show myself that I had control. Thusly, lying to myself internally. Often, on the "day off" I would decide to drink anyhow, cause, well, it was Tuesday after all. Then, as I had made a promise to myself, conversely, I would break said promise and feel betrayed by myself. If, you have betrayed yourself, how could you trust anyone else? Open heart, and full honesty with myself are the only real path to true happiness. Another piece of brick and mortar in the foundation of a life filled with love.
Someone asked me recently: "Are you going to miss drinking?"
The answer: No. What has drinking and alcohol brought me in my life? Negative affects. Totally and completely. All of the affects of alcohol on me have been negative, physically, emotionally and spiritually. (No specific order of appearance) What will I gain from not drinking? Everything. A sense of place in this world, Love, honesty, establishing myself as a constant in peoples lives that they can count on. I know I have a lot of talents and attributes that other people can see in a dim, opaque appearance before. I will shine as a beacon of light for the future.
If I passed away tomorrow, I would know I had at least made an attempt to reach for the good in this life.
I have never really been able to let go. In multiple ways. Firstly, I have never been able to really let go of the "pain" of past relationships. I felt that there was pain inflicted upon me, even though I was a main contributor of said pain. I always felt that these things that had happened were "done to me". As if someone had searched me out at great length to find me, to inflict pain. I had held onto so tightly, I was compounding problems in my mind. Forcing negative mind space to take over. Finally a relief to let go.
Secondly, I was unable to let go past mistakes, as though they had any real bearing on today. They in fact do not. True, there is no reason to let people do harm to me brazenly, but, today is all that can be affected by me in a positive way. The past cannot be rewritten, there is no need to dwell on it, just let it go. The weight of that has been removed, bit by bit, and will only be a lighter load in the future.
The lonely darkness.
Late nights would bring the most pain to my life. Late night, completely numb to the world, after shameful moments, at total wits end, I would try and reach out to my spirit, only to be turned away and shunned. It was the effect of the monster, it had fed well, it was strong enough to not allow me to wrangle my life from it's grasp. Dead tired from being unable to fight, I would slink away in shame. All respect and love lost.
In the morning, the monster would have taken up camp in my head for so long I would arise with my spirit completely stranded on the rocks. A shipwreck, only to try and rebuild during the day. My mind would rally to wright that vessel over the day, but nothing can be rebuilt like that in a day.
I had lost everything I was living for. The universe found me spiritually stripped and battered, lost and ashamed, pushing aside the darkness to aid me. People in recovery call it the "lightning bolt moment" I am deeply appreciative and grateful of this moment, to the core of my being. I will not let it go to waste. This will be a long road to recovery, so much has happened in the last week, I cannot remember when I was able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know the light is there, the epic, un explainable universe we live in was gracious enough to turn it on for me.
For all those I love, and those that love me: I will still be here with a clear mind, love in my heart and compassion for that monster, till only my love will shine.
One day at a time. What a simple idea. All I have to do is not drink or drug today. All I have to take care of is the things I need to do today. Tomorrow is not a concern of today, right now, right this minute is all I need to be full of love in. Add those minutes up and a whole day of positive will spread out before me.
I have been recommended by a lot of people of late to: "leave town, take a vacation, get away from it for a while." In all honesty I feel like this is completely the wrong thing for me to do. I feel like this would be running from my problems. I need to stay , and work out the things in my life, for me to be happy, learning to love myself and grow in the light. The last thing I need to do is find a new way of eliminating myself from me and escaping to somewhere else. I have been spending years doing that, drowning myself with drink, to escape the problems in my life. I need to face those issues with love in my heart, compassion and empathy.
"What if there were no fuse?"
This was asked to me recently, in a deep conversation of self. It was in response to me commenting that I would love for my fuse to be a hundred years long, so I would never have to worry about me flipping out ever again. Revolutionary. I know that I have had a fuse my whole life, where I would just reach a point that I would flip out. i assumed that this is what most people have, i know now it was another excuse fabricated by the monster in my head. A man my age should be knowledgeable, patient, loving and compassionate. I have been working on this, and I can see some progress.
Humility in the face of the universe. Remember.